Forgive and Forget

I should start to forget this. Because unless I forget, it seems enormously difficult to forgive, even if anyone else would think otherwise. For me, it is. 

Here is what I will try to do. Try not to make sense of what happened, what hurt, what mattered so much. Try to reach to something bigger than myself. I have to do it, so that it doesn't sting anymore, so that positive things can finally blossom, so that what stabs the self-esteem would finally be laughed about, and the self-esteem then becomes real. 

I think the reason I don't understand love is because I don't understand humanity. The imperfectness of everything on earth. Everyone said to me that I needed to open my eyes and see the reality. I think I understood reality a little more now. I have found, I have lost, and found and lost. In the process I understood reality a little more. I got it, see, how big the heart needs to be, in order to embrace the happiness - the big big happiness? And how do you even define happiness? It is sometimes so surreal. It makes me want to cry. 

Something bigger than myself. Something bigger than myself. I can do this. Carry on. Carry on.

What Can I Do Other than Robotics

I wonder what I end up doing in my life. Here is a list of what I think I could do.

Jewelry making (silver engraving and stuff) 

Pet photography 

Wisdom of the Day from Naomi Simpson, founder of RedBalloon:

"The greatest piece of advice I had more than a decade ago – when my business was tiny – was simply: 'If it's meant to be, it is up to me.'"

"To me this does not mean that I have to do all the work ... in fact what a bad leader I would be if I toiled 20 hours a day. What it means to me is that I am accountable. And I can live in a world without blame."

Have a Purpose, Maybe!

Normally I just ask if I am the one for him.
But really, is he the one for me?

Lets put it in MBA style:

what do I need?
I need a long term relationship. I need someone that grows with me. Manifest.
Mr. I is a good but I don't know that much about him.

Fact: it's the first 3-5 days that matters the most! It's the click.
I always thought it's the time that matters and I am ashamed of being emotional involved quickly. I should have trusted me.

What do I want?

I Wish I Was Never in Love

When I was little, I went home one day and asked mom:
Mom, Zhang Shu and I pass by a store selling sticky candies. I struggled not to go in... Why, mom, that I can't resist the temptation of selling candy? She didn't even look at it...

Mom:
Well. You had the candy before. It's sweet and nice. Of course you wanted that again. But you resisted the temptation with effort. It's harder to do for you than for Zhang, as she never understands how nice the candy tasted.

Love has it all. That's why I am trapped. I understand now...

I also understand why I wanted to go to the art museum when I was extremely confused, unsatisfied and frustrated. I will have an illusion that I have found love. It probably will calm me down, with its deep beauty or stories of tragedy. With waves of emotions and reasons. It's a mimic of love.

It's too good to be true / There's nothing to compare / Like heaven above / I miss you so much

But when I ask love to stay, it flies away, leaving no trace makes me wonder what to say

He came in, noticed the two kisses on the table beside her, and smiled. Maybe that could let him start a conversation.

"Hey Jane." He said gently, " May I have that? "

She trembled suddenly, as if a thunder went through her little body, surviving is a miracle. 

" Oh. You want a kiss, you mean? " She put an effort to spare a smile too, " You see it on the table, you taste it and it surprised you - you never knew how sweet and lovely it is. But it was just a tiny little bite, so the next moment the sweetness was gone. But never mind, there is no harm, the feeling has not been carved in the heart. It was not such a lose." She swallows and continues, voice shaking " so go ahead and have it, nice Sir. There is no burden, only sweetness for a second. "

He left without taking it or saying a word. It was rude, she thought. But it does not matter now. 

(message) "Are you crazy now just because I did not interact with you the way you expected? You are always trying to ask me about my privacy. I don't like that, to tell you the truth." 

(message) " May this craziness be with me till I find a person who likes it better than you did. "


Just two weeks ago. 21st Dec 2013

I scrolled through the messages again and again. Flowers blossom with the warmness of words.

(message)
“ Ask any tie and I'll warm you right up”
" Hahaha like I'm food"
" I love food"
" Food is not always pretty and tasty :P"
" That's what makes the good food that much better "
" I know good food when I smell it/see it/taste it "
" So hungry now "
" Come and make food with me now "

" Yo handsome, can you teach me ice skating...? "
" As long as you make me breakfasts like that in the future"

They sound like...almost like promises? As if they have some weight. Maybe they did. But the gravity varies due to time and space, isn't it? Apparently in the planet LOVE g = 999.8m/s^2. You are as light as a tear drop when you leave there. You are left floating in the vast space of the universe again.

突然，你爱我的一切
。。。
未曾爱够已火化


情话是美景， 一心醉便忘形
湖岸是背景，轻舟点出尾声
剩我一人飘，想飘往幸福处
人情在，花不开，春天过后要等待
情人在，心不在，哪有动情是意外
默然忘了当初怎么决定相爱
相爱的心终于都变做感慨
为何遇上最爱偏要避开
孤舟哪处靠岸不会被掩埋

做好自己 尊重他人

Use your best voice, do your best that you can do and be respectful to others.
It's not what Zoon knows, it's what Zoon thinks. Put you in a unfamiliar situation, all you need to do is to ask the right question, draw the right conclusions.
If you think it's the right thing to do, do it with all cost, even if you might need to crush your teeth and confront all your fears. You are working with all the smart people. It's your best chance to learn.

I was looking at the momentum machines and they are the best restaurant robotics there is. From the sushi belt, dough mixer, dumpling machine to other machines 

I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird.

The title explains my newly found wisdom on how to be in harmony with man.

I merely want to be in harmony with man, but that's hard too, and so I want to abandon this 'harmony' and truly search for equality, respect and fun. Let it snow, so I will dance in the storm.

"Think your best thought, speak your best words, work your best works, looking for your own conscience for approval. I had rather...make history than write it. Failure is impossible." - Susan b. Anthony

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you preserve; And you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make in attain something beautiful is ever lost - what I am looking for is not out there. It's in me. " - Helen Keller

Last, from the first female pilot to cross the Atlantic ocean, her death note for her husband really says it all:

 "Please know I am quite aware of the hazards," she said. "I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others." - Amelia Earhart